Paperwork Ninja
by Thimble
Summary: Slice of Life: "Uh, I think you'll find," says Tony Stark over Darcy's shoulder, "that not even JARVIS can fill out an X22-AR5 correctly. That form is eldritch."
1. Chapter 1

_Title: Paperwork Ninja  
Fandom: Avengers Movie-verse  
Author: Thimble  
Characters: Darcy Lewis, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Clint Barton, Bruce Banner  
Notes/Warnings: Written at the request of DaisyNinjaGirl. This shares continuity with "Sleep of the Just" and "Flying Monkeys", but all you need to know is that Darcy Lewis is currently a low-level clerical worker for SHIELD. More notes at the end._

"Captain Rogers," says Darcy, "you have created battle plans. I have seen those battle plans; I had to study them at university. They're brilliant." She slaps down a small sheaf of papers on the kitchen table. "This, on the other hand, is only three pages long. It has boxes to fill in. How hard can it be?"

Steve Rogers looks at her, quiet misery in his pretty blue eyes. Darcy adjusts her thick black _smart girl!_specs and looks back at him.

"Uh, I think you'll find," says Tony Stark over her shoulder, "that not even JARVIS can fill out an X22-AR5 correctly. That form is _eldritch._"

"Oh it so is not," says Darcy. "You want a do-over, Mr Stark?"

"No time!" he says airily. "I have important patent-making things to do in the basement. Seeya Miss, er, Agent, uh... Paperwork Girl... Person."

Darcy usually quite likes Mr Stark, even if he can never keep her name straight. He's sharp, and witty, and has cool toys, which he lets people play with, a lot. Right now, though, she just wants to tase him into the linoleum and use him as a footrest. She waves him goodbye grudgingly, sends Captain Rogers after, and settles down to the small bureaucratic nightmare the Avengers team has left her with.

There's the doctor's illegible scrawl, and Roger's pretty cursive writing that seems so apologetic about the mess it makes of the form. Mr Stark's hand-in claims that _Pepper will do it!_which is true, but Miss Potts won't be back from Massachusetts until the weekend. Thor always asks Jane but, really, there's a reason why Jane used to keep Darcy as a paperwork bunny. She sighs with relief when she gets to the bottom two, filled with awkward, brutally clear printing.

She glances up and jumps a little. Barton has come down from wherever he usually keeps himself and is sitting across from her, in black pants and a plain grey t-shirt, quietly slicing an apple into pieces with a sharp little knife.

"What's your secret?"

The man quirks an eyebrow.

"How do you turn this," she holds up the Documents of Shame, "into this?" she points at the other two. "... Help?"

"Probationary Staff Member Lewis," Barton says levelly, "people can do something well for several reasons. Maybe they're naturals, maybe they like it enough to practice a lot, maybe it's very important to them." He puts the half-apple and the knife down on the table and spreads his hands flat. "And sometimes they do it right first time so they _will never be asked to do it over._"

"You do it for Natasha."

"I've bled on Natasha," he observes mildly.

Darcy almost says something, but subsides. Barton retrieves the apple, and the silence stretches out, broken only by the sounds of slicing and chewing.

Eventually Barton rolls his shoulders, hands Darcy the last slice of apple, and says, "Make another pot of that coffee with the eggs in it, and I'll see what I can do."

888

It isn't until that evening, when Darcy is buried in the background reading that SHIELD gives its rookies in an unsubtle attempt to make their eyes bleed, that it occurs to her that Barton really isn't a _hand out process documents_ _and run cheery training workshops_ kind of a guy.

888

It's a cheerful sunny morning washed clean of sin when Darcy blows back into the A Tower, but she doesn't appreciate it, still holding as she does a headache from last night's reading. The tower is oddly quiet, and there's a haze in the air that smells like cordite. What?

She finds her way to the kitchen, where a lot of Avengers business gets settled in an informal kind of way. The only one there is Dr Banner with a newspaper, eating toast and drinking tea poured from a silver pot. Without looking up he pours tea into a delicate flowered cup and slides it towards her.

Darcy takes her usual seat and finds a folder in front of her, full of completed X22-AR5 (Suspected Temporal Loop, Type B) forms.

"It has been suggested," says Dr Banner, still looking at his newspaper, "that making the lives of support staff more difficult than they need to be is, in general," he turns a page, "a 'dick move'."

Darcy closes the folder. "I haven't asked someone to fight my battles since I was three," she says flatly. "I feel like such a twerp right now."

"Don't," says Dr Banner. He takes off his glasses and his eyes are warm and friendly as the tea. "That's what team-mates are for."

_Notes:_

Darcy makes Hungarian Egg Coffee, with a beaten egg mixed in to settle the grounds. I've heard it described anywhere from 'eh, it's okay' to 'tastes as good as it smells!' Let's assume Darcy makes the latter version. For the record: - Dr Banner only needed a reminder to tidy up his handwriting.  
- Steve Rogers and Thor got a careful tutorial from a guy to whom paperwork does not come easy but who still makes it his bitch.  
- Natasha already has some arcane deal worked out.  
- I _do not want to know_ what went down with Tony Stark.


	2. Chapter 2

Addendum: THE TUTORIAL, or, Those Funny Old-Timey Prejudices

"But is not this work of paper more fit for Lady Darcy and her army of scribes?" says Thor, his blue eyes clear and slightly puzzled.

"Up to a point," says Clint, "but all of SHIELD is overworked after the Coming of the Incendiary Bat incident, and they still need clean raw reports to work with. Which is a part of our job." He hesitates, and then adds, "And is it not how we measure the worth of a man - skill at arms, generous gift-giving, and the treasure we draw from our word-hoard?"

"Indeed!" says Thor, slamming his coffee mug almost to the table and moving it the last half-inch with a careful tap. "Truly, my lovely Jane has said that women love a man with a cunning tongue. I will succeed!" He leans over the paperwork spread on the kitchen table with intense focus.

"Now you, Dr Banner, are pretty good at this," Clint tells the scientist. "Just... remember to write like a nurse, not a doctor."

Bruce smiles, "Oh so many grant applications. But I'm better with a keyboard."

Clint shrugs. "Sorry. Stark still gives SHIELD computer staff the willies."

"Sorry I'm late," says Steve Rogers, coming into the kitchen. He loosens the tie of a formal suit ensemble as he drops into a chair at the table. "A pal was getting married."

"We could have rescheduled if we'd known," says Bruce mildly.

"No, it's fine," says Steve, "Bill and Tobias ran off as soon as the contract was signed, and I'm not really one for the drinking party after. So," he says, "we're having a paperwork training seminar because, how did you put it...?"

"'Piss on the toilet-cleaner today; walk in shit tomorrow'," says Clint cheerfully. "Old Midgardian proverb," he explains to Thor.

"Now, I'm buddying you all up. Dr Banner, you're with Thor; Steve, you'll be paired with Stark." Clint smiles toothily, "After we've had a talk, that is. So, the X22s, like all the Time-Space anomaly forms, are better done from the inside out. Please pay attention, because I'd rather not do this more than once."

Clint picks up his pencil and starts to demonstrate, then pauses. "What?" He waggles his reading glasses and drawls, "Do my spectacles not make me look cute, Cap?"

Steve looks at him quizzically. "You're left-handed," he says at last.

"Uh, yes?" Clint lifts up both hands, and spins his pencil around the fingers of his left. "I shoot lefty, too."

"Oh, I didn't realise."

The rest of the paperwork lesson goes pretty well, until - "Have you tried not being left-handed?" Steve asks. "I mean, they have therapies for lots of things... these days."

"I promise I'm not possessed by the devil, Cap," says Clint, very seriously.

Steve blushes scarlet.

Notes: This is kinda... because the actor who plays Hawkeye is left-handed. And yes, prejudices against southpaws used to be a *lot* more prevalent than they are right now. And when people write about Steve Rogers getting used to 21st century mores, it's always about the sex thing. Screw that. The "Piss on the toilet-cleaner" proverb was invented by me, because I have a lot of respect for service staff.


End file.
